“i can’t believe we’re growing up like this”
While having a conversation with my best friend today about our experiences over the past few years, we laughed almost to the point of tears at things at some of the things we had once before just shed tears with no laughter about not long ago. From relationships, lack thereof, scandalous moments of self-expression as evolving young women, nights doused with harsh college alcoholic beverages and moments of abstract thoughts and creativity induced by herbs, we have a ton of memories between the two of us. Earlier this afternoon, here we were, texting away at each other on opposite sides of the world, bonding over editing articles and reminiscing.
In those times of void of care for anything safe but full compassion for our own and each other’s freedom, we were liberated in our mistakes and shaky decision making. Living in the moment, costs us a few things but the gain was so much more precious here in the future. In retrospect, everything we ever did with one another was enabled by the yearn and burn to just be. And at the time, we knew exactly how much fun we were having.
Living is more than the wildness of youth, however, it shouldn’t be discredited as a vital part of our stories. When you look back, decades from the point where you stopped being wild and unruly and got some sense about yourself, you will either forget all of those things you did or you’ll remember them and feel a small inkling of the rush you got from just saying “f-ck it, lets go” with your best friend by your side.
Within a year or two comes so much more growth, better decision making, early bed times, less parties and the thrilling trifles of the days that have passed now add even more color to your retrospect.
We were so busy living, we never tried to imagine the day when she would say, “i can’t believe we’re growing up like this.”
So, everyone I know has asked me, “What have you learned so far in China?”.
I would always reply slightly predictable, but today I thought for a moment.
I have learned that I am a sensitive soul.
I have never strayed away from my compassion nor my emotional side, but I have never considered myself a “sensitive” person. When I was younger, my older brothers would constantly call me sensitive as a negative thing. But as I have grown, I have come to realize that sensitivity is a beautiful thing, especially when you yield yourself to it. In coming to a cautious stop when approaching your sensitiveness, you experience the boldness of things such as introspection, discovery, and love. Not romance, love.
Because I have sensitized myself to all that happens around me, smells, sounds, trying moments, times of loneliness, happiness and stillness, my heart is refilling itself with love. For such a while, it was low on love. I tried numbing it with seeking freedom in oblivion, but in discovery, I have found myself, sensitive and secure.
We all have a delicacy that we must acknowledge. Do your heart the favor of nurturing its needs to let a little love in.
when you’re far from home, after a while you begin to see that all those big things that you worried about were so small. your walk gets a little lighter and your strides a lot wider because you have have respect for where you step but you also have let everyone else know that you have some places to get to and discover.
after a while, you see that your fear of instability starts to fade right along with your ideals of success because those notions were built on norms that you’re defying just by taking a leap of faith and sleeping under a foreign sky. soon you realize that you’ll be sleeping alone at night for quite some time, and although it gets lonely, you’ll start to fall in love with the rhythm of your own heartbeat.
and that person back at home that you’re still attached to with dreamy intentions of maybe, possible and potentially of falling in love with once you’re in the same country code, they’ll be there if that’s where they are supposed to be. plain and simple.
…and if not, of course, you’ll survive.
after a while, you develop an indifference to all things that revolve around material and lack substance and your passions will become brighter and brighter with new space in you’ve cleared out in your spirit.
…i’m sure i’ll learn more things, after a while.